so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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