my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Drunk is not a location!
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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