are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize