some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
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