Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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