I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
