My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
