U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
