thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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