I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
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