Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
tequila makes me forget i have legs
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
