so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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