i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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