god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Sext me about skeletons
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
