dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
