i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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