i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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