You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
