I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
