fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Randomize
