i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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