Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize