Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
