I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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