I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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