I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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