Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
