She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Randomize
