Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
