I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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