dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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