I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
