dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
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