I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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