Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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