stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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