You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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