if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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