i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
