her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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