I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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