my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Your topless pictures make me question reality
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize