You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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