Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
