Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
