just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
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