i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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