Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
