I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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