New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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