and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i just google imaged poop.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
