you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
