is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
