her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Randomize
