Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
