i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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