Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
i think my cat just said my name.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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