saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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