Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
