a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Gay?
German.
Pity.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize